A Tale of Two Cities


When you live in one city for 22 years, it will become home. When those 22 years comprise your entire life, it will become part of you. It will imbue itself on your being, to the point where you forget there is a life away from it. It permeates through every pore, you see everywhere else as a foreign entity, unable to comprehend the idea that there are other lives, other people without the same surroundings, the same accent, the same upbringing, the same pubs and bars and clubs and towns. You have never lived anywhere else, and the unknown becomes almost unimaginable. It is an intangible concept, one that your logic says is normal, but that your mind cannot fully realise. Yes, you will visit other cities, holiday in other countries, but always in the knowledge that you will return. There will always be ‘home’, the place that you feel comfortable. It has been 8 months now since I moved away from that one city. Liverpool and London: under 180 miles, yet worlds, apart.


Superficially, the difference would not appear that great. Both are bustling, English cities, both filled with culture and heritage, sharing similar humour, tastes, fashion, music, and all other notions used to determine an area’s character. It is not a move from Liverpool to Thailand, Japan, Papua New Guinea, or Runcorn. The difference in lifestyle is not a chasm (I have heard rumours of sightings of Runcorn – talk of a bridge, even whisperings of a living species in the vicinity, but one cannot begin to imagine what actually exists there). I have chosen one of the easiest transitions available, a move that J.D. Salinger and Howard Hughes would have undertaken without a second thought.


And yet, the insignificance of the differences belies their magnitude. I do not have a southern accent. That is far from uncommon in London, one of the most multicultural, diverse cities on the planet. French, Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Australian, New Zealander, Italian all mix as one homogenous entity, their differences appreciated and respected, much as they should be. I, however, speak in a tongue seemingly incomprehensible to all. I appear to have developed a rare ability to create a language barrier with people of the same nationality. My words are garbled, my tone deep to the point of inaudible, my lexicon alien. I am subject to a stream of awful Scouse accents, none resembling my voice in any way; a constant high pitched whine from all angles. A suffocating, incessant flow of impersonations. “Calm down, calm down”, “eee fuckk off”, “chickkkennn”. In the workplace I try to adopt a ‘phone voice’, conversing with the City’s professionals in my best attempt at the Queen’s English. I leave a voicemail: undetectable, no trace of an accent. It was perfect. The office receives a call: “I just got a voicemail. I don’t know the guy’s name, he’s from Liverpool”. I take the call. My sentences each receive the same response. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that”, “can you repeat that?”, “sorry, it’s quite a bad line”. It is not a bad line. I am Northern. I know it. You know it. Do not humour me.


I go on a night out. No one needs to hear me when I’m out; the music will drown out my voice. My tone will sound like part of the bass. I take out £50. That was enough in Liverpool, that would get me through from 9/10pm to 5am. I enter the first bar. I am new, I will make the effort and buy the first round (that’s how they do it down here; bloody people with money). There are 5 or 6 of us. One round; my money is all gone. It didn’t used to be this way. It didn’t used to be this way at all. 3 shillings and a smile for a yard of ale – that’s what it was up North. I return from the cash point after a long absence, having walked around the unfamiliar streets. Faculty, La’go, Bumper – that was always the way. Now I am surrounded by other places, other buildings. None of the churches have irreparable bomb damage. The night is getting started; I am settling in, getting to know people, feeling more at ease. “Right, we’re heading home now”. I check the time; it is barely touching midnight. How can this be? What do they mean? Of course. Tubes. The fucking tubes. I calculate the cost of a taxi. No one lives anywhere near me, I would be alone. The taxi costs more than I have in the bank. I stride on to the tube station, going underground. It is quieter; a relief compared to the usual rush hour journeys, where individuals are packed in like sardines; iPad fixated sardines.  This time, I even get a seat.


I sit down and realise why it was free. The man next to me is shouting about Jesus. He is claiming that Jesus stole his socks. I am sceptical. He is wearing socks; they have just partially disintegrated. He is screaming at passengers, informing them that they are not his real mum. One is a 15 year old boy; I think he was already aware of this news. The man reaches into a plastic bag and pulls out a can of Special Brew. My face lights up, I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. The nostalgia is overwhelming, my heart wants to explode. Memories flood back. Memories of the bombed out church, of Hardman Street, of Bold Street, of the PRM. Yes, that was home. Yes, maybe I can belong here. An alcoholic with a can of Special Brew. London and Liverpool are not too dissimilar after all.

2 thoughts on “A Tale of Two Cities

  1. Superb. As a born and bred resident of Liverpool i feel your pain. I love London, but i always prefer to come home.

    NB Agree 100% about Radiohead and Gervais as well. I’m enjoying this blog, keep up the good work.

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